Teacher Talk

Classroom Confidential

This weekend I was having dinner with some other English teacher friends when I had a small revelation about what being a teacher is really like. We were talking about some of the ridiculous things that our students do and say and comparing stories.

My best came from a student who had to say a word that began with an "F" as part of a game. She looked at me and said "Fuck yous'". I was taken aback and thought I must have misheard her, so I asked her to say it again and it sounded exactly the same the second time. I imagined that she had maybe just watched "A Bronx Tale" and wanted to impress me with her knowledge of New York slang, but I asked her to write it down just to make sure I didn't have to give her a stern talking to for saying that to the teacher. Turns out she was trying to say "focus" and just doesn't know how vowels work yet.

Other notable stories included one girl whose students passively hit on her through homework assignments by writing sentences like "Teacher has nice legs", and another who caught a 40+ year old woman trying to cheat on a test by making copies of the teacher's manual.

As we were telling stories about our best and worst students and laughing about our classes, it occurred to me that all the teachers throughout my life probably did the same thing. I used to have an idea that teachers are like robots who only think about classes and grades. I thought that decisions were set in stone and my teachers were always three steps ahead.

Well it turns out that is not the case because I am finding out that, as a teacher, I am very susceptible to suggestions from my class and I sometimes need to improvise when it comes to rules and assignments. When I was a student I would always puss out of approaching the teacher after class to ask for an extension/re-test because I figured that I would be breaking some carefully planned outline, when the truth is that teachers are people who are as vulnerable to coercion as anyone else. I had not planned on giving re-tests in my classes, but when I heard the gasps of shock and disappointment from my students who looked at their failing grades I immediately began thinking of ways they could earn some of those points back.

Another thing I never really considered is how much of a positive effect it has on a teacher when the students make us laugh. The grades in my classes are all objective test scores, but if I was grading essays or giving points based on participation, I hate to say that I would definitely be more generous to the students in my class who make me laugh and keep my job interesting. I then started thinking about classes I was funny in and I definitely did better in the classes where I made the teacher laugh.

For instance, one time I accidentally walked into a one hour and fifteen minute class one hour late. Through a comically unfortunate serious of events, my alarm was set an hour late and I strolled in like I was right on time because I honestly thought I was. The teacher thought I was aware of the time and just trying to play off being an hour late for class by acting like nothing was wrong. It only took me about ten seconds to realize that everyone was staring at me incredulously. I looked down to make sure I was wearing pants (check) and then asked the person next to me why everyone was looking at me. She filled me in that I was an hour late and I received a round of applause from the prof. for my blunder.

In another class, I had to do a presentation about Evolution in pop culture. I obviously chose to present on Pokémon, and the class was rolling in laughter. The presentation wasn't supposed to be funny, but no one, including the prof., was prepared to see an adult speak that enthusiastically and knowledgeably about a children's video game from the 90's. Needless to say, I got A's in both those classes and I bet it had something to do with the fact that I was more interesting than that kid who sat in the corner with his hood on and laptop out playing Sporcle quizzes during class.

Gosh-Darnit

Part of learning a language and trying to speak like a native is picking up little words and idiomatic phrases that are not always necessary for communicating a message, but that people use all the time. For example, people in Ecuador constantly add "no más" to the end of commands. It doesn't change the meaning of the command at all, but people still always use it and I try to force myself to say it to sometimes just because I want my Spanish to fit in.

One aspect of the Spanish language that I have not been able to incorporate into regular usage, however, are bad words. I curse quite a bit in English, but I am finding that curse words in Spanish just aren't as satisfying as the words we have in English. For instance, I asked an Ecuadorian the other day what the worst word in the Spanish language is. His responses translated to "son of a bitch" and "penis-face." As funny as it is to tell someone his face looks like a penis, I can't ever see myself being in a heated argument and pulling that one out on the fly.

Perhaps even more important than the meaning of a cuss-word, however, is how the word sounds and if it is fun to say. I have yet to come across a word that is more fun to say than dropping a well timed F-bomb or an expertly delivered "God—(wait for it, wait for it)—damnit!" The only word that has come close so far is "chuta."

Chuta actually isn't really a bad word; it is a modified version of a much stronger word, similar to how people say "darnit" instead of "damnit." But like I said earlier, sometimes the way a word sounds is more important than what it means. My host dad says chuta a lot, but he always lowers his voice and stretches it out so it sounds like "chuuuuta", similar to the way some people pronounce "shit" like "sheeeeeeet." So every now and then I'll throw in an extended chuta under my breath, but otherwise it doesn't look like I'll be trading in my "a-holes" for "penis-faces" any time soon.

Magic

Daddy?

Last week my mother met Magic Johnson at some fundraiser in Harlem. I brought the picture into my class so that my students could be amazed by how big human beings in the U.S. can be. I panned my laptop around the room so everyone could get a look, and the first kid asked out loud in Spanish "Is that teacher's mother and father?"

Yes Fernando, my father is Magic Johnson and that's why I'm five-foot-nothing, not black, and I played Ultimate Frisbee in college.